Recently I read a book by Mel Robbins called “The Let Them Theory”. The chapter that really got me was on adult friendships and how difficult it is to make them and even more to maintain them. From my previous posts, maybe you will notice how much I cherish and value my friend village. For me, they are my chosen family. I do agree that the most important decision in your life will be choosing a partner to share your life with, but choosing your friends to go through life is also really important and it requires a lot of effort to maintain. I also believe that friends have different roles in your life too; for example, some friends will be the fun ones you will share parties and travels with, and some will be a shoulder to cry on and a source of immense reflection and growth. Both are beautiful in their own ways.

Rarely do we talk about how hard it is to live an expat life, which involves changing countries frequently and how challenging it can be to make new friends. The same goes for moving to different neighborhoods or cities within your own country. As an expat myself, I have learned that all the effort is on me; it is my responsibility to find friends in the new environment, and it can be hard, nerve-wracking, and vulnerable. It takes time, effort, and patience to form real friendships, but it is up to us to do it. However, understanding certain factors that influence adult friendships mentioned in the book has really given me some comfort in navigating this journey.

What I also found very helpful is how the book simply explained that the first 20 years of our lives are basically determined by our primary caregivers, school systems, hobbies, and colleges. Most likely, you were part of some system and organization that, by default, enabled and facilitated your friendships. It was relatively easy to make friends as you were surrounded by peers of the same age, usually living in a similar area and already had a meeting place sorted for bonding (school, sports center, college, etc.). But then, life takes a turn. We finish our college education, and people disperse in various directions and locations. All of a sudden, you land in a job with people of all ages, and now it is time for adult friendships.

Author mentions three factors impacting our adult friendships: proximity, timing, and energy. This really resonated with me; it is so simple and yet so profound. Proximity, I find, is such an important factor in the maintenance of friendships. How often can you actually physically spend time together? Maintaining friendships virtually is really challenging; it requires extra energy and prioritizing on both sides to make the friendship work. Not everyone is able to do that, and hence many friendships fade away over time. In my life at the moment, most of my closest friends are far away from me, and I see them, if lucky, once or twice a year. But we put effort into regular calls, which requires planning in advance and showing up for one another. Once my friend said to me that not everyone has experience in maintaining long-term friendships because they never had to. That was so important for me because I never really looked at it from that side; we never got the manual on how to maintain and nurture our friendships, so we do the best we can with what we have. Managing daily life can be hard, so having friends close to you helps; it makes things easier. Naturally, we are more prone to focus on friends in close proximity, as it usually means they live in similar circumstances as us and in a similar context where experience is shared. However, in this day and age, we live in a world where moving around is much more prevalent and frequent, and with that, it also means our friendships go through changes much more. It is up to us to decide which friendships we want to invest in long-term and then make a conscious effort to maintain them.

Then there is the timing of life. Different life stages bring different social circles with them. The most frequent I hear among my friends is having children; it inevitably changes priorities for parents. If our life stage diverges from that of our friends, it can happen that we start having less and less in common. These timing changes can be difficult and sad to navigate; I believe our curiosity is key here to keep the friendship going. Curiosity about the experience of our friend, the one that is maybe not familiar or the one that is very familiar but in the past for us. I believe even if we have been through experiences that our friend is going through now, it is still a very unique experience for our friend and their perspective will be different. Are we interested in understanding and holding space for this friend? This is the question we should ask ourselves.

On the other hand, it is very frequent that friendships drift apart due to timing/life stage changes; we tend to gravitate towards people in the same life stages as it offers shared experiences and camaraderie. That is normal too.

Energy for me is probably the most important; in this context, we talk about chemistry or how we say it “click with someone.” This, for me, is that X factor or magic when we are drawn to someone without any explanation necessarily – you just click. There is an inner draw toward a person which is there to facilitate the initial contact and open the doors to conversation. For me, this is really important at the beginning to create a friendly environment for the next steps in friendships, but I do believe this energy can change over time too. We go through various life experiences that shape us and mold us in various ways. Here, our energies and connection can start diverging, which is natural and a possible part of any interpersonal relationship. It can be hard to watch friendships drift, but that doesn’t erase the good memories created. It also doesn’t have to mean it is immediately over; it can change shape and meaning. Maybe in one phase of life we were best friends, while in another stage we were more like acquaintances. It is all part of growing and changing. Acceptance is the key here, accepting who they are, who we are at this stage, and adjusting the friendship accordingly. It is not easy, but it is possible.

I am not sure if this is going to be an eye-opener or a reminder of what you already know, but it was so comforting for me. Sometimes I felt I was alone in this struggle to make and maintain my friendships, in grief for friendships that didn’t make it, and the awkwardness of friendships that changed. Now, with the above, I feel a bit more at peace, knowing everything is normal and exactly how it is supposed to be. What I also understood is that it is up to me and my own effort to make and maintain my friendships that matter to me; I try my best.

It is messy to navigate this path of life we are on; it can be so hard and painful. I feel comfort knowing my friends are in my corner, there to surround me when I am struggling and to celebrate the good times. It has never been more relevant for me than in the last 6 months. This is for you; I am proud of our resilience and the friendships we nurture.

All my love, 

Eni