I think everyone can relate to this one: the one love story that broke us, the one that took our breath away, leaving us on our knees, feeling like there is no tomorrow. Okay, maybe not everyone’s experiences are as dramatic, but you get what I mean.

When we experience heartbreak of any kind, it is a loss, and we grieve. Often there is this notion that we should just get on with our lives, remove the person from our lives, and not mope around for too long. However, grief is healthy and needed. Time and space are required to reclaim ourselves as individuals, considering so many of us completely merge into “we” and lose the most precious “I.” Of course, some heartbreaks do require harder boundaries and the actual removal of the person from our lives, but I am talking here about the more common heartbreaks. I read somewhere that we usually have this one really turbulent, heartbreak love that, by breaking us, actually builds us back up. It is the kind of love that follows all our negative patterns in relationships so that when it breaks us, we can learn and progress (if we are open to learning and accepting our part in it). It is important to own your part in it. We are the ones choosing to stay, choosing to tolerate unhealthy relationships (obviously, I am talking about mutually consensual relationships). And that is okay. We all have our timelines and tolerance thresholds. I always remind my friends in these situations to take their time to make a decision to end the relationship, even if they know it is not good. They have to feel the right moment or often their lowest point to end it. If we are lucky enough, we will have our friends and family who will have understanding and patience for your process. It is crucial to find the right support in these situations. Not everyone can provide you the patience, and that is okay. Learn to distinguish the capacity of the people around you.

As mentioned in my previous posts, I have really courageous friends who went through really devastating heartbreaks, and they all had a different way of handling the grief and learning who they are now, in the aftermath of that experience. Some needed a break from the world, some threw themselves into casual fun, some started going out and discovered parts of themselves long gone, and some held grief and sadness for a long time afterward. Sadly, these situations are even more tricky for men because of the lack of space to express their sadness openly, so some men never manage to recover and let go. Instead, they turn to a casual lifestyle without allowing themselves to feel a connection again. I have so much compassion for anyone going through heartbreak. It can be really devastating for our hearts, leaving a permanent scar that we carry with us through life.

Unfortunately, there is no secret formula for grief in general. It is, for me, the most individual and unique journey for each and every one of us. I always try to meet people where they are and follow their lead on how to support them (sometimes I also make mistakes and project onto them what I think is best out of my love, but I’m getting better at listening).

Personally, I found my own heartbreak story taught me the most about myself as a partner — who I want to be, what my triggers for some not-so-nice behaviors are, and why I chose to stay in an unhealthy dynamic for years, resulting in thousands of heartbreaks over time. Well, I will tell you, in my case, it was a comfort zone. Navigating chaos and an unhealthy dynamic was much easier than facing loneliness and the unknown that lay ahead. In hindsight, I have no regrets or hostility towards my previous partner. Instead, I feel immense love and understanding for who he is and how I failed to love him for who he was, meeting him where he was. It is hard to accept that you are not the right partner for them, or that they are just not interested in committing to you. It feels like rejection on so many different levels, but actually, it is not about us. They themselves are not ready, regardless of how much you try or how wonderful you are. Also, it is okay if someone decides you are not the right person for them. It is not a reflection of your worth as a person. If you put yourself in their shoes, you will realize that the majority of us have been in a situation when we decided someone is not the right person for us, and that is okay.

Another thing that is very hard to navigate after any breakup is how overnight you become strangers after sometimes sharing life for years. It always bothered me, but I understand when pain is acute, cutting someone out is the only way we see as helping us move on.

As an attempt to help you navigate these challenging and extremely fragile times, below are a few thoughts and practices from Jay Shetty’s most recent book.

Breaking up with someone

(this relates to long-term relationships and it is very depended on the type of break-up)

Remember it is always difficult to break up with someone. Be gentle with you partner’s emotions. 

Accept what you will say might not be accepted well. Try to be as specific as possible.

Do it face to face if possible and be truthful

Try and make clean break to avoid misleading them with attempt to stay friends (if you both want to stay friends take a longer break first to ensure you are truly separated)

Once is over is over, resist to be the one providing them comfort 

Being Broken up with 

The one who hurts you can’t heal you 

Set them free

Don’t wait for an apology, give yourself a closure (often they haven’t clarified situation for them so they don’t have answers for you)

We are meaning-making beings, creating a meaning and story behind the the breakup even if it is not ultimate truth will help in the healing process 

Healing steps 

Give yourself a closure through a voice note or in writing (describe to your partner the pain they caused you). Write every challenge, mistake and words that make you feel hurt. You can heal until you feel. Next to each action write who was responsible for it. This will allow you to both recognise your own ownership of mistakes and your partner’s. By writing all that went wrong down you will be able to easily reflect how this breakup might have been good for you. 

Journaling prompts: Reflect on what you gained and lost, reflect on your own shortcomings and what did you learn about yourself through this relationship. 

Redefine your values – set your own worth first and then find someone who will value for who you are 

Wait to date – before you start date again, start attracting people you want in your life first. Community that shares same interests, friends you feel comfortable with , surround yourself with people that fulfil your different needs. 

Before you start dating again 

What do I want to be aware off and what do I want to avoid? 

Do I know what boundaries I want to set for my next partner? 

What story about myself I want to share with the next partner? 

Write a Love letter to yourself 

This one sounds a bit out there but it helps, writing a love letter to yourself to help you heal is very helpful in the journey of self-love. It might help to think from perspective like you are writing a letter to your friend, outlining you are here to stay and support yourself, you are part of a big tribe of heartbroken and you are not alone. 

I would like to say that although this is very personal journey, it is very important to ask for support in any way we might need and also to allow ourselves moments of break from the sadness – it is okay to laugh and forget about the pain for some time. Above all, be gentle with yourself, you are putting pieces of your heart together and every glue needs time to dry. 

With all my love, 

Eni 

Resource behind this post:

8 Rules of Love