This topic is very controversial for many. To me, talking about this is almost like talking about religion or nowadays about Covid – I don’t share my opinions unless the person is open to accepting various perspectives. I am very careful and respectful of different emotional triggers or fears that this topic invokes in people, particularly women that I speak to. There are only a few of my girlfriends whom I am able to speak freely with, and they are able to hold space for me, putting their feelings aside, and without judgment, listen to my experiences. I have been the other woman to men, and I have been seeking to understand these men and the concept of infidelity through their experiences. There is so much that infidelity holds that goes beyond the act of sex, beyond breaking a moral code.
However, I do have to preface this blog by saying that I have unfortunately seen the great pain infidelity caused some of my closest friends whom I love very dearly. I saw the pain, the struggle in the aftermath of the infidelity, and the toll it took on them to start trusting again. I am immensely honored to be able to support them but even more grateful for their generosity and courage to stand by me during my own journey below which must have been really hard for them. Subconsciously, part of me sought to understand infidelity from the inside so I can be prepared in the future if it happens to me, be able to support my friends through it better but also prevent myself to be hurt by hiding behind the thrill and fun those connections brought instead of allowing myself to experience love and intimacy. And part of me hoped to be a catalyst for a change in the lives of the men whom I also loved dearly and saw them being stuck within.
“To understand trust, you have to understand distrust. To understand fidelity, you have to understand infidelity.”
Esther Perel
When someone engages or decides to embark on this journey, it is usually about trying to find pieces of themselves they lost in long-term relationships. People seek to feel seen again, to regain what they struggle to find with their long-term partners because they started to take the relationship for granted. I am not justifying the infidelity, but it is not as straightforward as it may seem. There are two people in every relationship (well, it can be more too, e.g. polyamorous) and sometimes because of life challenges, we forget to nurture the intimacy and take our relationships as something that just is and not something that needs attention, work, and commitment from both sides. I always wondered – is it possible to love more people at the same time? It is messy being human, it takes a huge awareness to understand why someone would have the need for multiple people in their intimate life. Below is a quote that bluntly represents how values and outlook on intimate life looks nowadays. We might not like it but it is our reality.
“Monogamy used to mean one person for life. Now monogamy means one person at a time.”
Esther Perel
There were three men in my life with whom I have had this journey for a longer period of time than their other one, which allowed me to get to know their inner world a bit more. I witnessed their journey with infidelity while at the same time conveniently protected my heart from exposure or having to risk being hurt because I knew where the boundaries were. I knew that for them, I was the safe haven where they allowed me to see them without judgment and held space for them to be who they are at that moment in their lives. They all sought different aspects of comfort through our dynamic. For one, it was about being heard; for another, it was the need for a space to feel himself as a man – to feel desired, attractive, and seen. The third one was a love story, a story of loss, love, trauma, understanding, belonging, and much more, while at the same time seeking to discover his heart again. At the same time, I saw that they were committed to the lives they were building or already had with their partners. I know, it sounds like a paradox, and many of you will get angry now about how I can say something like that as a woman. But that is my experience – it was never only about fun or fulfilling physical needs. There are also types of infidelity where it is purely a physical need, but that was not my experience. It goes much deeper for me. Obviously, and without denial, the fact that there was infidelity means something is missing at home, something has been lost within the relationship, and I cannot speak to that because I am not at home with them. But I do know that infidelity comes as a result of neglect from both sides in a partnership, and very often, people are not ready to take responsibility for that.
Many of us are raised with the notion that infidelity is an unforgivable act and the worst thing that can be done to someone. However, for me, it can also be a catalyst for change in a couple if they are willing to look beyond the act and dig deep to understand why it happened in the first place. To me, feeling unseen and neglected is much worse, going through the motions of life but feeling invisible to the one you share your life with.
Again, it all comes down to choice whether you will decide to act upon the attraction or connection you feel with someone outside of the partnership. It is inevitable that we will feel attracted to other people while in a relationship. We are humans who feel and are able to connect with many people at the same time, but the decision if you will act on it comes down to each of us.
I am extremely grateful for my journey with infidelity on both ends. I have learned so much about myself and what kind of partnership and partner I want to have in the future. I am certain that unless we work hard to maintain intimacy, desire, curiosity, and playfulness, the chances of infidelity and mistakes increase. I deeply cared for the men that felt safe to share this part of themselves with me. They taught me so much, and I always had respect for their journey and the lives they had outside of our bubble. At the end of the day, they were also my escape and safe place to hide from the world and to explore parts of my own sexuality that I needed at the time.
Very often, we are the center of our own universe and always think it is about us. They did this to us by cheating when, in reality, they were consumed by their loss. They were seeking to regain a part they have lost along the way. This does not mean they stopped loving their partners or caring for them, but they got lost, scared of the dullness of life passing by, and without the proper tools to navigate this or a partner who is open enough to work through it, the infidelity seems like the only escape to feel again.
My approach to being cheated on is understanding and allowing all emotions of hurt and anger to flow through. It takes enormous courage to stand by your partner when they were unfaithful. We still don’t have enough support or understanding from society if we decide to forgive and work through. Society judges us, calls us weak. But in reality, everyone is speaking out of their fears because nobody wants to be in that place. So, if we condemn the couples that decide to push through it together, we feel like we have better moral grounds or better relationships. At the end of the day, who are we to say what is the right type of relationship or model? It is up to every couple to decide what is right for them, how strong their love is, and what they want to fight for. The quote below is a powerful one. I hope it brings inspiration to try and seek this in a relationship first.
“At their peak, affairs rarely lack imagination. Nor do they lack desire, abundance of attention, romance, and playfulness. Shared dreams, affection, passion and endless curiosityーall these are natural ingredients found in the adulterous plot. They are also ingredients of thriving relationships. It is no accident that many of the most erotic couples lift their marital strategies directly from the infidelity playbook.”
Esther Perel
Love is hard work, it takes commitment, a lot of inner work, and not always do we have the bandwidth to fight for it. So, we make mistakes, we stray, and we make amends. We learn.
With all my love,
Eni
Inspiration for this post below! (Can’t recommend enough the podcast under #2, but decided to point out these 2 episodes in relation to this particular topic)
Dum Amo,Vivo 