During tough times, I often turn to Esther Perel for wisdom. Recently, I heard an episode where she shared the difference between a love story and a life story, which resonated with me. She explained that not every love story becomes a life story. I hadn’t considered this distinction before, and it has made me reflect on it. This post explores my thoughts on the topic, hoping to give you something to ponder as well.

I am very vocal about intentions in relationships; moving through life intentionally for me means presence and thoughtfulness. It is about engaging with people intentionally, especially with someone you share your intimacy with. By intimacy, I mean more than a physical one, but emotional, spiritual, and intellectual. Choosing someone to be your life story requires that intention, the intention to create a life together. Committing to go through the journey of life with someone is no easy commitment; for sure, it will be tested beyond our imagination. We will be asked to compromise, grow, and inevitably, we will be changing along the way. It is our choice if that will be consciously or unconsciously. Most life stories these days begin as a love story. In most parts of the world, we are moving away from the marriage agreements that are made by families without this “love” factor. Nowadays, we are expecting to have a love story first that will then turn into a life story. This can also be delusional in some cases, where we mix the drunken in love phase with a long-lasting life together. Should we be making a decision to spend life with someone during the honeymoon phase of a relationship? When we are high on hormones, everything is going well, and we think this feeling of complete mesmerization with love will never end. I don’t know; it works for some, and then it doesn’t for others. I do believe that at the moment, there is a grand delusion where we are not aware of how hard it is to stay committed to a life story and to the person we have chosen some years ago. We live in a heavily romanticized world when it comes to love, chasing constant highs and not willing to do the hard work it takes to maintain a lasting relationship. Maybe there is a certain level of fear of commitment too, fear of hard work, and blurred lines on the linear style of relationships, which brings us even more choices to choose from. It can be overwhelming to have all this freedom to choose from; polyamory, open relationships, and more are becoming more accepted, which means our range of lifestyle choices has increased substantially. How do you know which path is right for you? I can only guess it is by knowing yourself, knowing what you are looking for in a life partner, and what kind of life you want to create. The thing is, there is no right or wrong; it is all allowed in the world of love. I love the idea that each couple is like a blank canvas which they paint with the colors they bring to the relationship. Recently, I have been listening to various podcasts with stories of successful long-term partnerships. What struck me the most was the fact that a lot of them have not started as these explosive and magical love stories. Instead, they started as friendships or even by staying open-minded to get to know the person, and with time, they grew more in love. It almost has a reversal order, in which love and infatuation of sorts grow stronger through time by navigating life together. These couples entered the relationship potentially more “sober” in terms of being intentional and clear on what they are looking for in their life partners – they were ready for a life story. They did not seek the X factor of movie-style love; they were ready to love the real, imperfect person. This is not to say that attraction did not exist, but maybe the attraction was not in the front center; instead, it slowly developed as we got to know the person better and became attracted to who they are behind the surface.

We all hope for our love story to turn into a life story; there is no doubt in that. Sometimes, we have a love story that is life-changing for us, but it does not grow into a life story for many reasons. Nevertheless, it can be one of the most important parts of our lives, and it is not any less meaningful if there is no life story to follow. Most of us will have multiple love stories before we choose our life story. Some love stories will have a long-lasting, profound effect on us that helps us grow into the person we want to be for our life story. Some love stories will teach us what we want or don’t want in our life story or life partner; those are all invaluable lessons that help us grow and move closer to where we want to go. For me, there is tremendous value in the love stories we go through; they are our lessons in love.

Needless to say, all love stories that do not turn into a life story will come to an end at some point. Sometimes the ending will feel excruciating, and we will feel lost. However, when we are ready to look below the surface and really examine that love story, we might be able to see the lessons that were meant for us. There is no doubt that some of us were lucky enough to have a life story with our first love story, never having to go through heartbreak or these hard lessons of love. Unfortunately, I think today those stories are in the minority. Most of us do go through multiple love stories, and some of them reach us to our very core. That same relationship will be the one that serves as your guiding light for your life story; it is probably the biggest gift you can give or receive from someone.

My hope is that we all honor our love stories with gratitude and awareness for what they have given us. If we find ourselves among the lucky ones who have already chosen our life story, my hope is that you treat it as the most precious treasure in your life. Having a witness to your being and your life is not a small thing; you too have been chosen for a life story. I hope you treat it with intention, love, and gratitude, even when it is the hardest to do so.

All my love,

Eni

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