Majority of our lives and most of the time during our life, we are chasing the phantom called: happiness. It is such a powerful word with so many facets. It is as unique as each one of us is. Happiness has a different meaning to all of us, there is no universal formula on how to reach or maintain it. We certainly feel the absence of it but sometimes do not necessarily know what it is for us. When we feel happy, we almost feel bored by it, so we need to set the bar higher, search for more and often end up less happy by this constant chase for more than we would by embracing it in its simplicity. Many of us also struggle to allow happiness in our lives; we fear if we admit we are happy it will disappear, or even worse, something bad might happen, so we kind of opt out of ever embracing happiness fully – just in case.““

While being on this journey through this book, the last chapter introduced a revolutionary concept of being happy enough. Initially, my response felt like I am settling for less in life, but the more I thought about it, the more it brought me peace and reduced the pressure of the chase itself. Much of this chase is turned to love, finding “the one”, being seen and accepted, and avoiding pain at all costs. Love itself is one thing in life where we easily lose control and have no control over when it comes to guaranteeing that the person loving or liking you today will still do so in a week, month, year, or decade. Love is one place that we are most drawn to and are mostly running away from. Some of us who have learned to feel safe only when we are in control will struggle to let go of it in love, one place where surrendering is necessary to experience it with your whole heart, body, and soul. Most of our actions in life also stem from the fear of being or staying alone. That can include so many different behaviors that on the surface can seem much different from what they really are. However, we cannot force love or control when and if the right person will come into our life. What we can control is our behavior and act in accordance with what we want to have in our life. We can be the source of love we are seeking and we can learn to be happy enough. The main word here being, to learn. The starting point is learning to be happy where we are now, creating a life we would want one day to share with our special someone. This brings a sense of peace, where we are now is enough. The turning point for me was understanding this does not mean settling for less; it is rooted in gratitude and acceptance that where we are now is enough for me to be happy. There is nothing wrong in wanting more and striving for more, but that is coming from a sense of peace knowing if this is all it is, it is enough.

What “happy enough” gives us is the base from which we are able to say no to anything that does not align with what makes us feel better and happier than our very own “happy enough.” In this state, there is no void to fill; when we say no to someone or something, there is no void left because there was no void to begin with. When we are unhappy, we hold on to people who make us feel bad because we feel there is nothing else behind it. Being in a negative spiral is self-perpetuating, and usually, we can’t find that self-compassion we desperately need; rather, we are in self-blame and shame that continues the pain. When we are able to work through to the “happy enough” state, it also gives us the opportunity to make a change.

There are few tools that can help shift our frame of mind from negativity and pain to being happy enough:

• Lose the Ceremony – This one is really powerful because very often we use words like: “I will never feel this way again” or “I lost it forever” while, in fact, we don’t know how we are going to feel in 5 days/months/years. We can’t know the future or what is going to happen. Negative spirals bring out from all of us that finality and dramatic end of all mind-frames. As a first step, try to focus on the present moment, on making small shifts in your daily routine from negative behaviors to the ones that feel just a tiny bit better. It is not about changing the whole life in one go; it is a series of incremental steps that bring us closer to a better state. Stay present on what is here and what is in your power to change right now. Be gentle on your journey and remind yourself the only point in time you can control is now.
• Everything changes – this aligns with the idea that the only constant in life is change. As mentioned above, we have no idea how we will feel in a year, or what will happen. Sometimes pain feels less dramatic, and sometimes we change our relationship to it. The most important line for me was not to judge the future based on the present. Again, the only thing you can do is deal with the present in the best way you can and be open to what the future might hold.
• Surrender – acceptance of the current situation is also a form of liberation. Often, we are trying desperately to change our circumstances or eliminate them, which can make us blind to small moments of joy that were there while we were trying to make a change to the unchangeable. Sometimes it is okay to acknowledge the pain and the not-so-great circumstances we are in, while still allowing moments of joy and happiness to happen. Day by day, the pain and negativity will inevitably get easier and lighter for your heart. When we accept what is and stop fighting it, we can do everything we can to make it better.
• Choose your pain – although sometimes we don’t directly choose our pain, we can look into how it benefits us. Dealing with physical pain that we choose can be a great lesson in how to navigate emotional and mental pain. When we look at professional athletes, they have to overcome a huge amount of physical pain to get where they want to be, and the reason they succeed is because of how they learned to perceive their pain toward the gain. So we do make choices of pain throughout life that we know will ultimately lead to betterment in life.
• Pay attention to modulation in your pain – throughout the day, we can go through cycles of pain intensity. Some hours can feel like you will drown, but then others can feel lighter and easier. Those are the moments we should focus on; those are the ones that feed us with necessary energy to survive and push through the heavier hours. Another fact is that we tend to focus on our severe pain moments more and look at the good ones as fleeting, while actually both are temporary. If we can remind ourselves of this in the hardest of times, maybe just maybe we will feel slightly more hopeful. Noticing variations in our pain and what brought relief can be a useful tool for the future that we can utilize during hard times.
• Practice maximum self-compassion – often when we feel low, we add on top of that guilt and shame because we are unable to do anything else. We add to our own pain by ourselves. When we feel low or in pain, we need comfort, care, and support. Sometimes we are lucky enough to have that reminder from our loved ones, but we always need to ensure we practice it towards ourselves. What helps is reframing how we talk to ourselves. That can include: speaking to yourself in the third person, imagining what we would say to a friend in those exact moments, or any other form of indirect communication towards ourselves to help connect with that feeling of compassion.
• Reset your expectations – this is probably the most important factor for self-compassion. Without readjusting our expectations and goals to match our current state of pain, we risk feeling even more disappointment in ourselves by asking too much. There is only so much you can do when hurting; it is a fragile time that requires healing, gentleness, and patience.
• Keep perspective – Oftentimes we believe we are in the worst possible situation, while in fact there could have been so many even more terrible ones we just can’t see. It also creates isolation, thinking we are the only ones going through this. Everyone is struggling around us, and we are never alone in our battles. Keeping that perspective can give a small bit of solace and comfort, knowing we are not in the worst possible scenario.
• Try gratitude for yourself – it is hard to imagine we could be grateful in the hard moments for ourselves, but that is in itself an even bigger reason to do so and practice. Expressing gratitude towards ourselves takes effort; sometimes you can think of all the challenges you went through and overcame, and express gratitude for what they taught you. Learn to express gratitude for all the small wins necessary to push through each day. Remember to be grateful for the smallest wins – another day at work completed, a healthy meal, maybe a sunny day, a walk, physical activity, or coffee with a friend. There are limitless options for gratitude when you are willing to see them.

It is no secret that when we are in pain, we tend to get focused on negativity. We are focused on what is lacking instead of what is there for us. Staying present helps us incrementally start seeing small positive things happening around us and to us. Start small, hour by hour, day by day. It is okay to be happy enough, it is a beautiful base for clarity of the mind and a peaceful heart.

I hope you are patient and gentle with yourself, life is hard enough so try and see that you are doing as best as you can. That is good enough.

Sending you all my love,

Eni

Love Life, Matthew Hussey