There is rarely a conversation of responsibility that being someone’s friend or partner carries. We often speak about commitment, efforts, actions, service, etc. Recently, I heard a question: can you hold my heart gently and with care? It stuck with me because it is actually a responsibility to treat someone’s heart with gentleness and care while keeping ourselves accountable for the actions, words we put out towards that person. Being our whole messy selves with others takes great courage and vulnerability, so I see it as an honor when I am trusted by someone who lets me in on their inner world. When we decide to choose someone as our partner, it should be a conscious choice and commitment to try and handle their hearts with care. We will inevitably fail at times; it is part of being human and part of loving someone. It is about loving and forgiving. As long as we are aware of the responsibility in our hands and are willing to be accountable for our own actions, we are already giving someone the most precious gift we have – intentional love.

As I am reading book mentioned in resources, I read the following that really resonated with me:

If somebody does not choose you, they cannot be the right person for you because they have not chosen you. If they had, they would be the right person. They cannot be the right person if they say no, no matter what potential we attribute to them.

As a hopeless romantic and devoted lover of people, I struggle to take in the simplicity of the above, but it vibrates a resounding “yes” through my whole body when I read it. If I think of my experiences, when you are not someone’s choice, there is no peace. You are always on the lookout for what happens next; it is tiring, and I feel for all my fellow passengers on this journey. Be gentle with yourselves; it is not easy. The more I think of it, the more I understand the power of words, either to heal or to damage. So often, we put all values in actions, look for body language, read between the lines and all that, but in fact if there is a disbalance between the two, inevitably something is off with the intention behind the action or lack thereof. This brings me to another topic in my journey through this amazing book – attention vs. Intention.

This chapter of the book really blew my mind, understanding the difference between attention and intention was something I never put too much thought behind. Now that I think back, I realize how much of our daily interactions with people around us is automatic and not intentional. When we find ourselves craving intimacy, any attention we get we attach bigger importance to. Especially if that attention comes from someone we find attractive or desirable. When people say we should pay attention to how much someone actually invests in us, I understand it as in if someone is being proactive about our relationship or if they are willing to step forward as a response to your proactiveness. Sometimes to me it is a good example when you invite someone for a coffee or meet up and they say no, do they suggest alternative time and date? That for me is showing willingness to see you and spend time with you even-though the time suggested by you does not suit. In any type of relationship, someone does need to take the first step during different phases of bonding but if you are always the one making them, does it feel good?

When we are at the beginning of a romantic relationship with someone, we so often find ourselves disillusioned with the created image of them that we wanted them to be for us. We almost make plans for what they should be for us, and in turn, we often get hit by reality soon enough. It is very normal for us to do that when we are depleted of romantic attention and feeling scared and alone. It takes a lot of courage to admit and accept that actually this person is not being proactive or intentional with their behavior. A good example I found is texting; we can get confused if someone is replying to us quickly when we text, but they never text first. This is purely reactionary; there is no intention or proactivity from their end. Think about how you feel when someone texts you good morning or good night without a previous trail of texting. We feel validated and cared for. Someone is thinking of us and takes their time to acknowledge and share it. That is intentional; they wanted us to know they are thinking of us.

I love this distinction between the two: attention is the energy someone is giving you at the moment and intention is genuine desire to see where things might go. For me, intention implies willingness from someone to put a thought behind their behavior towards us. A lot of confusion can come from situations when someone showers you with attention in person but then when separated it feels like you don’t exist. This is a clear sign that there is no intention; the attention given in the moment is there because of their need for affection in the moment but there is no interest in any follow-up proactive behavior to back that attention up. If you find yourself here, as always, communication is the key and preferably clear and direct one. I guess if I look back to people who were intentional with me, there was a sense of consistency and safety. It felt peaceful in my heart and clear in my mind.

We all move through the world reacting to situations and the people around us; there is a lot happening out there. My invitation to you is to think about your intention next time with your loved ones; start from yourself. What do you want with that particular person? How would you like them to feel when interacting with you?

We hold so much power within to make someone feel like there is no one in the world like them or to make them feel small and irrelevant. Our words and actions can be a catalyst for healing or cause of hurt. It is up to us to decide our impact in this world will be.

Starting at home, at work, or in social gatherings has more value than you can imagine. There are people whose lives you can directly impact and make better just by giving intentional attention.

I hope you are getting the attention your heart needs with the most loving intention from the one your heart desires. The pain love can cause can be destructive for one’s soul, but the pain of not giving yourself a chance to love and be loved is even more devastating.

I hope you give yourself a chance to make a difference in your world with intentional love because that is the first step towards shifting the world from enemies to friends. Imagine if we all treat each other with intention and care?

To help you with that, I will do a second post with a few steps of intentional behavior. It will help us recognize it and, most importantly, give us guidance on how to be intentional.

With all my love,

Eni

Resources – Highly recommend!

Love Life