I often talk with people about the difference between the two, especially since living in this surreal environment that I currently find myself in. I find that people do not know how to be alone and often they feel lonely even with people around them.

It is a tough world we live in, creating and maintaining connection and intimacy with our partners and friends. Living in these times means we all are constantly striving for perfection while we know perfection does not exist in reality. Striving for perfection also means we do not leave space for exploration, curiosity, and imperfections that make our lives unique and pleasurable. The deepest breakthroughs usually come from imperfect moments or times in our lives. I see the same for relationships and friendships; from what I observe, we establish the deepest connections in times of adversity and hardships. I love the term “artificial intimacy,” but I don’t like what it does to us. I find myself more often than not being in the presence of people who only put their phones down when they speak, but the moment it is time to listen, they turn to their phones, laptops, TVs, or other screens in front of them, like we are afraid to miss something if we give our attention to the person in front of us. Naturally, we all believe we are actually listening, but instead we are breaking the moment of connection with the speaker and sending a message that what is in front of us is more important than the person next to us. This experience is called ambiguous loss, where at the same time we experience loss of presence while we are with the person who is present only physically. It creates this loneliness while we are surrounded by people who should make us feel less lonely.

The world of likes and thumbs up is harsh and disconnecting; at the same time, we can have hundreds of followers on our socials, we can also not have anyone to help us when we are sick or going through hard times. The need for connection and community has never been stronger because demands of self have never been heavier. The chase for more of everything, more perfection, less aging, better jobs, perfect partner creates this world where we have never felt lonelier despite being connected through all the social medias. I often feel more lonely in a group setting than when I am by myself.

The specific relevant content for this request, if necessary, delimited with characters: This brings me to the alone word, for me it is the time you spend without distractions, people, and just by yourself. I often spend time alone, even when I am sitting in a place crowded with other people I am there alone, in my own company. It is extremely important for me to enjoy my own company, to spend time with my own thoughts and feelings, and be comfortable with the discomfort. Oftentimes, I feel discomfort when I am by myself in public because I can feel the discomfort of other people around me observing me. It is almost palpable how surprised, confused, and uncomfortable people are seeing me dine in a fine restaurant by myself. They feel sorry for me, thinking somebody forced me into being there alone. On the other hand, people admire me for traveling alone like it is some life achievement because that is what society tells us. Nowadays, if you choose to travel alone, it means you have this special skill or courage. Anyone who knows me knows how terrified I am about many things, yes dogs and spiders being one of them. In fact, being at peace with yourself and by yourself is what ultimate liberation is for me. Now, I am very far from that point, but I do enjoy going into the world alone and challenging myself. It gives me time to reflect, reconnect, and explore the world in my own time at my own pace. At the end of the day, if you learn how to enjoy your own company, then can you ever feel lonely in the world regardless of the people around you?

There is nothing I love more than connecting with people and spending time with my village of big people, nothing in life brings me more joy and fulfillment than that. With time though, I learned how to take a step back and become more selective around who I am giving my time and attention to because every moment for me is a chance to connect, deepen the bond, and I need that to be mutually felt. I appreciate and understand this might trigger some who will recognize themselves in the above distracted behaviors, trying to multitask with a screen and give time to the person in front, but be gentle with yourself. This is what we created together and we can also come back to each other together.

The first step in achieving comfort with being alone is getting to know yourself, almost date yourself with the same curiosity you would give another person during various dates. For me, that means going to various places alone and seeing how I feel, almost observing myself from the outside and making mental notes about what makes me feel good or not, and why. It also includes finding activities that relax me and that I find pleasure in. Again, it takes trial and error to discover that. Lastly, finding the right practices that ground me and make me feel like myself, both in mind and body. This last one is crucial, in my opinion, because it gives you a sense of home and safety in unstable times in your life. We all know life is full of them.

Below I wrote things I enjoy or heard people find pleasurable and helpful for all the above 3 self-discovery journeys.

Getting to know yourself 

• Go out for dinner alone in a restaurant 
• Travel alone to new place even if it is hour away from your house 
• Chose one new group activity or workshop and sign up alone
• Take yourself out for brunch 
• Visit museum by yourself 
• Take yourself out to cinema for a movie 
• Go to a concert or show by yourself 

Relaxing/pleasurable activities

• Reading 
• Exercising
• Painting
• Sports
• Creative sports 
• Knitting
• Pottery 
• Writing 
• Creating in all various forms 

Grounding practices 

• Journaling 
• Meditating 
• Yoga
• Breathing exercises 
• Warm bath 
• Aroma therapy 
• Mindful walk 
• Somatic movement exercises 

I am sure there are many more and there is no limit or right or wrong, only thing that matters is that it feels good to you. 

I hope you give yourself time and attention you give to others when meeting them and discover great pleasure in being in your company, there is no better person to spend your life with.

This post was inspired by conversation between two of my favorite therapists: Esther Perel and Brene Brown (Artificial Intimacy) while my utmost inspiration are people in the community I currently live in and my village as always! 

May we all be at peace within ourselves regardless of where we are. 

With all my love,

Eni from Malaysia