I have been grappling with this topic for a while now, it is a natural continuation of the last week’s post but also one that seems to be universal and yet again it varies greatly in performance styles. As with everything so far, the way we apologize or if we apologize in the first place depends on what we have observed in our family of origin. In some families, the words “I am sorry” have never been verbalized, in some families it was very common to apologize and validate harm caused to another person and then in some the words were spoken but the harmful actions were repeated constantly.

In many older generations of parents, it was almost unimaginable for a parent to apologize to a child, especially regarding emotional wrongdoing. It was almost like you are admitting failure as a parent if you apologized to a child, as if you lost all your power. Although, lack of apologies and acknowledgment of hurtful words or actions comes due to shame within a parent, it harms the child long term. The message is: adults are never wrong. The child gets the message that their hurt feelings are not important, their self-worth is impacted, and their emotions are not respected. On the bright side, I see a lot of change with newer generations of parents, so I am hopeful we are progressing and learning. Still, we have a long way to go with apologizing. What matters the most is what comes after the apology.

Accountability and taking responsibility for your actions and apologizing are key. Words in themselves are not what brings healing and repair; they are just the first step. Acknowledging your actions and words that cause hurt to someone leads to the next step – validating the pain of the other. It is important to verbalize understanding of the hurtful emotions that were caused to your partner. In this way, you are validating them and what they are going through. The next and, for me, the most important step is to state how you are going to work on this behavior in the future so we can avoid the same situation. What can you do to prevent this from happening again? This step is very often non-existent; it is more along the lines of: “I am so sorry, it won’t happen again.” Are you sure it won’t happen again? There is a big difference when you are apologizing for your actions or for who you are. The latter, for me, does not make much sense. Behaviors and actions are the ones we can work on, but if we feel like we have to apologize for who we are, then I am not sure this person is the right one to stay in your life. I am, for example, hypersensitive and I feel the world and people around me deeply, so I can’t have people in my life who are annoyed by my sensitivity or who cannot handle it, because then I am in situations where I end up apologizing because of being so emotional. On the other hand, if I say or do something that is hurtful to another person, that is the situation I will apologize for and work on my awareness not to repeat this behavior with this person. We all have different boundaries, different non-negotiables in our relationships with others. They guide us towards which words or actions are a violation of those boundaries and will be the cause of hurt for us. It is our responsibility to voice those to people in our lives, especially the ones we choose to keep and build relationships with. It is not reasonable to expect anyone, regardless of our level of intimacy, to know our boundaries by reading our mind.

The biggest issue with chronic apologizers I have is that it feels disrespectful to the one on the receiving end of the apology. The words “I am sorry” are nowadays being thrown left, right, and center without any thought or action behind them. It is like a little quickie of remorse, but we all know the action will be repeated again tomorrow. In those cases, I much rather prefer not having to entertain that apology, because what do you say to such an apology – no worries – same time, same interaction tomorrow? If you do end up responding with stating that an apology is unnecessary if that is not behavior that will change, well then you are the one almost having to apologize for being rude or too honest. In these cases, I just go along with this apology show because some of those actions I can tolerate; the overall relationship is worth it. However, some cases and actions being repeated do require ending the relationship with the person and protecting yourself from further pain.

Most of what I am talking about here are actions causing emotional hurt. I suppose if you hurt someone physically by accident, it is kind of expected that you will attempt not to repeat that. What I am not covering is the physical or emotional abuse of any kind; that is unacceptable without any discussion. As we are all imperfect, it is expected that you will hurt people in your lives, consciously or unconsciously.

There are also people who are working on being so perfect and never doing any wrong by anyone that when they inevitably do, you almost have to console them because of how upset they can be by the fact that they did something hurtful. I was in this camp for a long time; this is usually connected to not being able to fully take responsibility for your actions and decisions, especially if they are the wrong ones. As you can imagine, this does not really go well with trying to be perfect; it is a collapse of your sandcastle of perfection. With time and a lot of self-work, I am learning to embrace my own imperfections and admit to myself first and then to others when my actions were not right and caused harm.

Interestingly, when it comes to other people in my life, very often they were in a camp of chronic apologizers, which I have tolerated for way too long. That part of the journey includes being clear on your boundaries and non-negotiables so you can draw a healthy line with people who are not meant to stay in your life. Many people of my generation, have not learned in our childhood how it looks to have your hurt validated and respected as a child, which would be a template for respecting and valuing ourselves with others later in life. But we can learn and get better at this, if we are willing to.

Apologies can go a long way; they can be extremely healing and growth-inducing in relationships. The reason I wanted to cover this topic is to try and bring awareness of how deep the roots of our apologies are. They are learned actions or lack thereof, that can teach us so much about ourselves and others in our lives. It takes courage to acknowledge your own harmful action, stand behind it, and attempt to rectify it. It also takes vulnerability to hold the space for the hurt person and help them go through it, knowing your actions caused it. But it is okay, we are all navigating this based on our own experiences and life stories; we all make mistakes and we can all choose to learn from them too. My hope is you get curious about yourself and your own apologizing style, a little check-in within.

Below I wrote some prompts for journaling in case you are up for it! 

1. What is your experience with apologies when you were little? Have you received them? Whether your response is yes or no – how did it feel? 
2. Have you seen adults in your life apologizing to each other? If so, how did it look like? 
3. What is your opinion today on apologizing? 
4. Do you apologize to others and how do you do it? 
5. How do you accept apologies from others? 
6. Is there someone you wish you apologized to? 
7. Is there someone you wish you received apology from? 
8. Do you have any chronic apologizers in your life and why are you choosing to tolerate it? 
9. Is there an action or words that no apology would be accepted for? 
10. Is there anything you want to improve in your behaviour when it comes to apologizing? 

No matter where you are on this journey I hope you are gentle, patient and compassionate with yourself and others. 

All my love, 

Eni