We all know this one: you can love someone else only if you love yourself first. That is great, but how do we get there? What do I need to do to learn how to love myself? I guess I learned exactly that the word “learn” is the one that matters. Loving yourself is learning about yourself, taking the time to know yourself in the same way like when you start dating someone and you are getting to know them.

We are shaped by our past, our families, or the environments we grew up in, as well as the experiences we have been through. Based on this past, we choose a story of who we are, a role we learn to play along the way, and we become accustomed to staying in that role. However, very often the story we picked up along the way from our families starts to feel a bit strange, almost not right. That feeling of misalignment with our true self grows with time until it pushes us to re-examine our whole life, who we are, and who we are with. If we are lucky enough to dig deeper into this feeling, we might decide to embark on a journey of self-discovery and ultimately self-love and acceptance. So, do you know what your story is?

For me, this journey is very challenging. I am a nerd and I love to know what I have to do to achieve something, and I will follow this to the T. Unfortunately, this is not that type of assignment. This one is as fluid and personal as it can be. What I did learn is that there is no formula, answer, or strategy that is universal. The only one who can get the answers is you, and they are also within you (no help with Google Maps either when it comes to where within you). I will share with you what I learned generally during the process I am in. I believe this is a lifelong journey that has no destination, so my main goal is to enjoy every step of this journey.

Self-awareness for me is the first stop on this journey, and it is definitely one of the most important gems and skills you can bring into any relationship. Having awareness of what story from your past about yourself, relationships, conflicts, intimacy, sex, communication you are bringing into the relationship. Knowing this is so precious because you are able to understand yourself and your needs better, which, in turn, helps your partner to love you in the way you need to be loved.

Next is having the knowledge and vocabulary to voice what you feel. So often, we don’t actually know what words to use to describe how we feel. Nobody teaches us this (luckily for you, I found a book that describes the fundamental vocabulary of our basic emotions: Brene Brown: Atlas of the Heart – yes, nerd). We can feel physically very similar with stress, anxiety, anger, or sadness, but they require a completely different type of support or tools to deal with.

By having self-awareness, we are able to understand ourselves and our reactions better, which has a ripple effect of understanding others. The biggest and most liberating lesson for me was that people always react based on what is happening in their inner worlds. Meaning, it is never about you really when it comes to other people and their behavior, responses, or reactions. It is all dependent on what they are going through internally. Your only job is to be the most authentic version of yourself you can be in the given moment.

This is very hard. It requires taking responsibility over your life, behavior, actions, and reactions. It means you can no longer blame others for how you feel or what you do, and that can be hard because it is really all on you then (maybe that is why it is such a lifelong journey?). This is taking care of your most sensitive and intimate inner world, and it is the hardest, in my opinion.

When we make a mistake, make the wrong decision, or are just not happy with ourselves, it is so hard to fall into self-blame and self-destruction. But would you react the same way if it was your family member or best friend? Embracing our imperfections with love allows us to free ourselves from this unhealthy cycle, to be fallible, and to grow from our lessons. At the same time, in this way, we are setting an example for our partner on how to love us and help them on their own journey of self-love.

Self-awareness means knowledge of your own history, character, feelings, motives and desires. 

All we can ever truly control is what we are brining into a relationship. 

Loving Bravely,
Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD

Another really important aspect of self-love is loving and taking care of our bodies. Over the past year, I realized how unique these bodies of ours are. It is the only vessel we have to carry us around in this big world. Having a healthy body and mind today is really hard. It requires dedication, resilience, and commitment. If you are a foodie like me, temptations are everywhere. I have had many issues over the years with my body. I have tried so many different holistic treatments, healings, and therapies. Ultimately, I realized it is all connected: how I feel mentally, what I put into my body, and how I look after it. So I decided I will love my body, not in the way of loving how I look, but starting with very basic love, almost like tasks or a to-do list for my body.

I started listening to what my body tells me through pain if some exercises are not sitting well with me, through discomfort after certain foods, through a heavy feeling after I eat too much, or strong pain if I am emotionally upset. So now, I am aiming to feel good. I eat what I like, but also the food that doesn’t cause me discomfort. I engage in physical activities until I feel my body is struggling with unhealthy pain. I help my body through various practices or remedies when I am upset, like essential oils, breathing, healing music, or spending time with friends. I also try to develop various caring routines that give my body the nourishment and care it needs.

Our bodies are uniquely different, and the biggest blessing you could give to yourself is to listen to it. If you pay attention to certain chronic pain or repetitive issues you are having, it can lead you to the source. I am a big believer that all diseases are connected to our emotional and mental states, which means that our mental health is the cornerstone of our overall well-being, especially our physical health. I know this is an abstract statement for some, so I have listed a few books below in case you would like to explore more for yourself. It gives me comfort to know that we have so much control over our health and are able to make the shift for the better if we are willing. I do acknowledge that it is also hard work that not everyone is ready to accept, but it is here for you to decide.

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Recommended books:

• The Body Keeps The Score, Bessel van der Kolk
• Heal Your Body, Louise Hay

Third pillar of self-love and care for me is the spiritual one. To me this is pure magic, journey to the unknown and so deeply personal. I am not a person that follows any religion but I love learning about all of them, understanding what it brings to people. Some of us embrace and accept the religion where we grew up, some of us reject it and some of us discover our own during the lifetime. I have witnessed the comfort and solace religion offered many of my closest friends and people around the world, it is amazing to see how faith in something not physical or visible to the eye can push us forward in some many beautiful directions. I have my own personal beliefs that provide me a place of solace but also spiritual journey of growth that I enjoy so much. There are so many things in the world that have magical, unexplainable phenomenons, especially in the nature. Finding your own faith, beliefs or spiritual practice can enrich our lives so much and bring this little pocket of magic, where we realise there is so much more out there that we can not rationalise or explain. The most beautiful part is that there is so much out there to explore, so many practices, spiritual circles, communities and resources. It can be overwhelming to have so much choice, but I only encourage you to be open and curious because if you are willing to listen you will be able to hear what is meant for you. I have read various different books on this topic but selected only few below that are touching upon variety of practices. 

Recommended books:

• The Art of Happiness, Howard C. Cutler &  Dalai Lama XIV.
• Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life, Hector Garcia & Francesc Miralles
• The Law of Attraction, Esther & Jerry Hicks

Being able to truly hold yourself in high regard even when you are imperfect and embracing yourself fully is the biggest gift you can give yourself. The peace within that follows creates space and gives you freedom to experience world and relationships through completely different perspective. I will continue this topic in more depth in different post to cover how this makes us a better partner but until then I hope you enjoy your journey toward greatest love of all – yourself 🙂 

With all my love, 

Eni 

More Resources:

• Loving Bravely, Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD
• The Science of Stuck, Britt Frank
• 8 Rules of Love, Jay Shetty