Over the years, I have watched some of my close friends going through and making very difficult decisions to end their long-term relationships. I really admire the courage and strength it takes to leave a relationship that is not toxic or unhealthy, but at the same time, it ran its course. Lessons have been received, growth happened between partners in different directions, new desires have emerged, and many other different realizations.

As time passes by and life imposes various challenges in our lives and relationships, it seems like so many of us find ourselves asking this simple question: I love this person in my life so much, but is it really enough to build a life with someone just because we love them? Is this enough to make me happy? My answer to this is no (this is very personal for each of us, it is okay if it is a yes). It takes so much more than loving or caring for someone. The reason I say this is because we can love many partners in our lives, but that love can be based on our traumas, attachments from our families, or even the fear of loneliness. We project this fear through convincing ourselves that loving someone has to be enough to build a life together. Also, sometimes we cling to the relationship because it is scary not knowing what is coming next – this relationship is something we know, the good old comfort zone.

Loving and respecting someone is definitely a crucial base to grow a partnership, but so is friendship and companionship. Sharing life with someone includes commitment, sacrifice, being able to set someone free on their journey, and trusting that they will still choose you to share it with. It is also important that you can share experiences and various interests with your partner as life consists of all those moments between the intimacy and affection that are so magically consuming and addictive.

There are partners in my life whom I loved and will always love dearly for who they are and what they brought into my life, but I recognized that they were the right person for me at that very point in my life. Knowing your values, goals, and the life you want to build for yourself is the place from which we should choose our partners, while at the same time accepting that these can change throughout life and our personal evolution. Some partners come into your life with precious lessons to help you grow, liberate, or remind you of the part of you that might have been forgotten. Some come into your life to tear all your beliefs apart and make you learn painful lessons about yourself and the life you have been choosing.

For me personally, it is still a work in progress. I always dive deep and wholeheartedly into my connections with men who come into my life. They all have brought me very valuable lessons on what I want or don’t want in my long-term partnership. Sometimes I value learning what I don’t want more because it brings me closer to what I do want. So far, what I have learned is that I want companionship in which I will feel at ease being my imperfect self, being aligned with the life we want to create, being committed to self-care and development individually and together as a couple, having fun together, and enjoying each other’s presence (the list goes on, but that’s for another time). For you, it might be so many other things, like emotional or financial security and stability, views on fidelity and children, and sharing the same goals when it comes to partnership and marriage. All of these are equally important, as is feeling love and affection for someone while also allowing space for a change of mind during the time you share together. It does not mean that if you grow apart from your partner, that love is gone. Love can change its shape. It can fluctuate between intimate love and friendship, and vice versa.

Ultimately, love should be a concept of freedom, realizing that a partner does not belong to you ever. As my favorite Esther Perel puts it so beautifully: “Our partners do not belong to us; they are only on loan, with an option to renew—or not. Knowing that we can lose them does not have to undermine commitment; rather, it mandates an active engagement that long-term couples often lose. The realization that our loved ones are forever elusive should jolt us out of complacency, in the most positive sense.”

For me, the ultimate freedom in love comes when we belong to ourselves first. It is a cornerstone for every healthy and balanced partnership. When I say freedom, I don’t mean having the freedom to be with other partners (although if it is consensual – go for it!), I mean emotional freedom. Often, we immerse ourselves completely in our partner and our life, losing our individuality and almost not knowing who we are without them. This can potentially be very risky and devastating if the relationship does not continue. We risk attaching our happiness solely to this one person, conditioning ourselves to be dependent on what they do or say. Being grounded in ourselves and having our own life outside of the relationship gives us the necessary security and community we can lean on in hard times. Having someone to share your life with is one of the most beautiful experiences we can have in a lifetime, especially if both partners are equally committed and engaged in it. The emphasis, though, is on “sharing your life,” signifying that you had and will have your life beyond and despite the relationship. It is the tastiest cherry on top of your cake.

I hope you allow yourself to be honest with what you really want and make hard decisions that will bring you closer to the love you deserve and your soul craves. You have the answer if you decide to listen carefully. There is no right or wrong in love; we are all writers of our own love stories, and that is the magic and hardship behind it – there is no secret formula to a right partnership. It is a blank canvas that you paint with your own colors, and I hope you learn to enjoy and value how special they are.

With all my love, 

Eni