Since the pandemic, this has been one of the most precious journeys and lessons I learned about myself and my body. During the first lockdown, I took a 30-day course with Jenny Keane (based in Ireland) about female sexuality, owning our own pleasure, and self-exploration. Talking about the history of women and pleasure, only with the invention of the birth control pill (1960) were women able to start exploring fully the notion of pleasure in heterosexual intercourse and have control over their own bodies and pregnancies. So we are talking only 63 years now, which makes me sad for all the other women before then.

Nevertheless, unfortunately, the standards of society on what is acceptable, moral, or allowed for women when it comes to sex are still not equal to men. There is so much shame around women who decide to explore their pleasure and sexuality with various non-committed partners, and many different adjectives are being attached. To be clear, like everything else in terms of genders, this is on all of us to change. The judgment and criticism are coming from all directions and genders. I do believe all judgment comes from personal fears of the unknown, not wanting to disturb the status quo, and individuals’ insecurities, but on this, some other time.

I do have to acknowledge the men while opening this topic by saying – you really have a difficult position when engaging for the first time sexually with a woman considering how greatly different each one of us is. This is not to say that men are all the same but female bodies and pleasure has not been as researched – it is only gaining momentum as of recently. To add to this, self-pleasure and self-exploration in the female world is still vastly taboo among women themselves. Women still struggle to take ownership over their own bodies and pleasure, rightly so considering the amount of pressure we are exposed to when it comes to body image, social and moral norms for what women should be sexually, and unfortunately, the distorted idea that porn brings to the table is not helping. However, there is also this big illusion that men should be able to give us pleasure or take us to the paradise of the big O. Well, my question is – how should they (men) know the path to our pleasure if we don’t know it ourselves?

Female and male initiating points towards sex are biologically very different. Male drive is very much biological, primal, and their attraction point is often very visually driven (of course this is very broad generalisation to emphasize the difference). On the other hand, female sexuality, pleasure, and drive starts initially mentally. A big important factor in biology is that the main female intimate organs are based internally, which also makes pleasure much more complex considering every woman is fundamentally different with their nerves and pleasure points. But the crucial fact remains – female sex drive, attraction points, and pleasure start in her head. You will often hear women say how they got turned on when their partner washed dishes, took care of children, or did something nice for them. It is due to the fact that they felt taken care of and safe, having enough mental space to allow herself to even think about arousal or feel sexy in her body. Huge importance for all women is the context in which intimacy takes place. There is an additional factor of safety that women have to take into consideration when deciding whether to have sex with someone as a more vulnerable sex (unless you know martial arts, well then go for it!). We are talking here about physical safety, protection in terms of condoms, pill or other (many men unfortunately come unprepared or are unwilling to use it still), and also moral safety if it is not a conventional partnership in place. So before we can even begin to enjoy and relax into the beauty of sex, there is this whole little checklist going on in our head, and that is the reason many times the first time is not as pleasurable for us because we are assessing if we are in safe hands, if our bodies are treated with respect and care. Providing this checklist is ticked, then we are starting to focus on what is happening within our bodies, and if you are lucky or practiced enough to stay in the present moment without your brain going on 1000 other tangents, then maybe you will start to feel pleasure. And this is where I bring back to us as women the responsibility to own our sexuality and pleasure. If you know your body, your pleasure points, what makes your body shiver with ecstasy, then you can also help your partner navigate this beautiful body of yours. The beautiful part is, men get turned on even more by seeing you enjoy, so even greater motivation for us ladies 🙂 On the other hand, women get turned on by being a turn on for their partners (yes, read it again, it is a bit confusing).

“Erotic intimacy is an act of generosity and self-centeredness, of giving and taking. We need to be able to enter the body or the erotic space of another without the terror that we will be swallowed and lose ourselves.”

Esther Perel

I want to acknowledge that many women are in the intense roles of caregivers in their lives, being single moms or stay-at-home moms, caring for family, or generally having more service-based jobs (the majority of personal assistants, nurses, and many other supporting roles are still women today). This also impacts the capacity left for taking care of their bodies or even having mental space for anything sensual or even connection. You can’t connect with others if you are completely detached from yourself – pleasure starts in our inner world. I think it is important that we are aware of it, especially evident with women and first babies. What we need to understand is that taking care of the small bundle of joy is emotionally and physically depleting. We are also all day involved in baby talk, cooing, and often providing food through our bodies, so it takes effort, a break, and detachment from the baby to be able to feel our bodies again as women and experience pleasure. I hope this can motivate and bring some awareness to the partner about how much this depends on the help and support from them to give space to women to come back to her body and have a break that will maybe help her reconnect with her pleasure and interest in some bliss.

I realized during the course how many women have never touched their own bodies; they never masturbated. It makes sense, knowing how many also struggle with not being able to look at themselves in the mirror or feel shame around their bodies. We can’t experience pleasure in a body that we don’t approve of or like. The first step is to accept our bodies for what they are (easier said than done, for sure), but also how many women have taken the mirror and actually looked at their own vulva and explored all the sensations that it holds? And then let me ask you – how many times have we heard the stories from male locker rooms and the comparison games, etc.? Again, it is society’s lesson on the repression of female self-pleasuring. Women today are still learning about the infinite pleasure possibilities their bodies can have (multiple types of orgasms – yes!). Luckily, there is more and more research, exercises, and toys that can help break down the barriers about female pleasure and sexuality. For me, the fact that our bodies have so many erogenous zones and the capacity for so much pleasure is absolutely blissful. In addition to exploring and embracing our bodies as they are, we also need to understand what our own turn-on is – what context makes us relaxed and allows us to be aroused and enjoy our bodies. This was by far my favorite self-development work and journey I ever did because it gave me a sense of empowerment. Now, even if I am engaging in sex with a man who is not as knowledgeable or, for that matter, interested in knowing how to please me, I can still have a blissful experience because I know how to reach pleasure myself by knowing my body and what is pleasurable for me. This gives me the freedom to focus on myself with joy during sex and feel empowerment in my body, a feeling of owning the pleasure in sex equally as my partner, and at the same time, he feels less pressure to perform. It is like an ecstasy dance towards ultimate bliss.

“In some ways, one could say that sex isn’t something you do, eh? Sex is a place you go. It’s a space you enter inside yourself and with another, or others.”

Esther Perel

It is a challenging journey for some to embrace the bodies we have and feel comfort and pleasure in them. However, it is a journey worth having, in my opinion. For me, I remind myself that taking care of my body will provide me with a better quality of life, increase my longevity, and improve my health so that I can enjoy my time here in a way that makes me happy. There are many resources out there that can assist you on this journey, and I have listed a few that I found useful.

With all my love,

Eni

Inspiration and resources below, enjoy!

1. Jenny Keane (highly recommend subscribing to her mailing list)
2. Dr. Emily Nagoski – Come as You Are
3. Better Sex Through Mindfulness
4. Start Playing
5. Smart Sex by Dr. Emily Nagoski (highly, highly recommended)