I love this concept of building your own village. We live in a world where it is increasingly celebrated to be able to do everything alone, handle everything by yourself, build a life alone, being your own center of the universe. In reality, we are social beings. We need other people in our lives and we can’t actually achieve much by ourselves – we always rely, in some way, on others. Science backs up this theory with direct impact on longevity. Data shows that loneliness and isolation lead to a shorter lifespan and unquestionably decrease the quality of life. My absolute favorite quote from Esther Perel below sums up the importance that relationships have in my life:

“The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships.”

Nowadays, there is this stigma that your partner should be your world. They should be able to basically replace all other people in your life and support you through everything. They should be an expert on all topics, be your safe place, your biggest adventure, your co-parent. In some cases, they even impersonate a parental role. Back in history, all these roles were held by various members of your community or village. That is a lot of pressure for one person to have, almost a full responsibility for your well-being, happiness, and quality of life.

I have learned through life that various people in your social circle can fulfill different roles based on their capacity and personality. Some people will be the ones you call at 3 am, sobbing. Some you might just have fun with casually. Some people will be your devoted sidekick in life, always by your side no matter what. Some you will share a professional relationship with, and they will empower you. Some you might connect spiritually with. There are so many opportunities and varieties of relationships we can share with different people. They are all equally important for the quality of your life, and it is important to recognize those roles.

This helps tremendously with your own expectations of other people and your ideas of what people should be for you and what they can actually be for you. In so many cases, we are disappointed in our friends because of our own expectations of them. We need to be very honest about what that person is capable of giving to us. If someone is not a person who stays in touch regularly, but when you call them in need, they show up, then this is what they can offer you in that moment in time. It is up to us to decide if this is what we want and need.

Often, we are projecting our own ideas of friendships or relationships onto other people, tailoring the relationship to what we need or think is best. In fact, we should meet the person where they are, understand who they are, and determine if the compromises made are worth it for that relationship. The differences can enrich our lives and bring us something we ourselves are struggling with or even teach us a lesson we should receive.

Some people come and go during our lives. They bring value and memories for that particular phase of our lives. The sooner we embrace the changes, the lighter our hearts will be.

Going back to our intimate partners with the lenses above, it is understandable that our partner is only one person and maybe they are not the right person to support you regarding certain aspects of your life, so you turn to your bestie to vent and receive the support needed. I have seen many times with couples how one side is forcing the conversation with the partner on topics that the partner doesn’t have the capacity or interest in, and so the person sharing feels invalidated, unheard, and frustrated. Meanwhile, the same conversation with some other person in their circle would be exactly what they need. Just because your partner is not able to provide this particular support or engagement on a certain topic does not indicate the love they have for you. It is up to us to decide what support we want to receive from our partner that is non-negotiable. It is crucial to understand what is important for you to receive from your partner and what you can outsource to friends and family. This also creates a healthy separation between me, you, and us, which is a healthy balance of being our own individuals and having our joint life together where we overlap. Every relationship therapist will point out how crucial it is to have your own “village” outside of the relationship and then create our joint village that we can share.

“Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?”

“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.”

Esther Perel

I feel extremely blessed in this moment with my own village that is so diverse, unique, and precious to me. They are the ones I lean on when I am going through hard times, when I am celebrating, having fun, lying in bed watching movies, or just reading in silence side by side. Relationships and connections with my people are my biggest source of joy, connection, belonging, and immense support. I tend to bring that view and appreciation into the work environment too. I have been so lucky to have built strong friendships with my past and current colleagues. I believe that working with the people you like and enjoy being around with is so much more positive and motivating. However, you cannot know if you really like someone without giving yourself a chance to get to know them better. Some of my work friendships have taken years to build, some were an instant connection and understanding, and some required tolerance for differences. I do have to say, I spend a lot of time investing in people I love and care for, which might not be everyone’s priority. This also impacts the size and stability of your village. But for me, if I give myself a chance to listen and truly get to know someone, then I will also know to which part of my village they belong, and how I can be a friend to them in a way they need.

At the end of the day, it all starts with us. Do you know what you need from your village? Do you truly know what your friends and family can provide for you based on who they are and their emotional capacity? Without this inner knowledge, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment, either with unrealistic expectations or by forcing someone to be something they are not until they finally decide to leave.

I truly believe that having your own village brings the sense of belonging we all crave as human beings. It is a primal need since the day we are born, as our survival depends on others. If you really think about your daily life, you will realize that we are depending on others almost every moment. From grocery shopping, work, entertainment, physical well-being, spiritual ceremonies, traffic, travel, intimacy, and the list goes on indefinitely.

I hope this brings you a new view on how precious and unique it is to have your own village to rely on. I hope it motivates you to care for it with every part of your being.

To my own village, I am so grateful for every single one of you. You all make my life as colorful as it can be. I wouldn’t be able to do life without you. Thank you for carrying me through good and bad times, for your patience, for the fun, for the tears, for being my biggest cheerleaders, for challenging me when it is time for me to wake up, and for allowing me to be a part of your inner worlds. It is the biggest gift that I never take for granted. You are my world in every sense of the meaning.

With all my love,

Eni 

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