Over the past 10 years my journey with love was like a rollercoaster during thunder storm to say the least, while at the same time many of my friends started to settle down into long term relationships. So what I did was basically live and learn from them by observing, supporting and witnessing their journeys within relationship unit. Some continued into marriage and some relationships ceased to exist and I am so grateful to have been able to learn from my beautiful, courageous and powerful friends. I read and listened many books and podcasts to support my observations and form my own point of view on long term relationships and daily practice of love. This is ever evolving for me, I continue to read and learn depending on my current stop in the journey of love. 

The main lesson for me was debunking notion and belief that love should be easy and effortless. The premise that once your love is reciprocated by words and actions of “I love you” or even more cemented by paper of marriage – well then that is it, it should all flow easily from here. Wow, what a false fairytale that is which causes so much pain and unnecessary disappointment for many of us. Love is primarily a choice, daily effort and a practice. We are living in a world where we are constantly chasing bigger, better in so many different aspects and the same is true with partners. There is no doubt that there is always someone better than us or our partner in this world by measures of wealth, skills or whatever you value as better – I mean there are 7 billion people around and it is highly unlikely we will have time to meet all the eligible ones. So it does come down to choice and accepting your partner with peace and awareness that there might be better match out there but we are choosing our partner despite this. It is so beautiful knowing this and knowing that you are also chosen by someone, having someone you can create a new place of belonging with. However, having this awareness does not mean this is it now and no effort is required, on the contrary in order to keep this partnership going we need to keep choosing our partner daily through many different, unique, big or small actions. 

One that is really powerful for me is maintaining curiosity about your partner, we all change daily either consciously or unconsciously depending on what life throws at us (and sometimes it can be an avalanche that wipes you completely or a mini-golf ball in your groin). What I have seen many times is partners taking each other for granted, thinking they know all about the partner just because they live together and forgetting to remain curious about the inner world of their partners. There are many tools out there to give you ideas on type of questions for dates, conversations openers or even rekindling desire for your partner. Some of the questions I really like: 

• What are you currently working on the most? Or what would you like to start work on? 
• What would you like to achieve in the future that seems unattainable at the moment? 
• Your biggest challenge in past 3 months?
• How do you feel in our relationship right now? Is there anything you would like to change or add? 
• Is there anything you would like us to try as a couple? 

There are many fantastic quizes out there that can help you get to know your partner even more, my absolute favorite is 5 Love Languages by dr. Gary Chapman (links below). This one blew my mind, we are by default giving love to our partner how we want to be loved while in fact this is maybe not what makes our partner feel loved. This quiz will show you what love language your partner prefers in this moment so you can actually love each other in a way that makes you both feel validated and loved in a way you need it. I will leave the magic of it for you to discover for yourself or in a couple. 

The last point for this post is the reminder of a gentle touch (non-sexual), I have seen couples forgetting the power of caressing the face, hair, neck or even kissing. Being in a long term relationship requires commitment and focus to these little acts of presence and attention. They are profound connecting moments that deepen and strengthen relationships but they do require presence and attention, it is not something that will have impact unless both partners are present for it. 

Few beautiful connecting acts you can try: 

• 6 seconds kiss (improves health of your relationship) 
• 8 hugs a day are for the maintenance and 12 for growth (let’s see the growth mindest here!) 
• Leave notes of kindness around the house for your partner 
• Give each other 15 min massage 
• Lie next to each other but facing each other, turn the music on and for 10 min caress slowly and gently your partner’s face (do this simultaneously)

In the most recent book on love I read by Jay Shetty in his book “8 Rules of Love”, he explains there are 4 ways in which all of us want to be loved – all of us crave to be understood, believed in, accepted for who we are and appreciated for what we do.

I hope you never forget how beautiful a connection with someone can be and always keep the lens of the beginning on. Love is the most precious thing we can experience with someone.

Healthy relationships are built by those who want to love as much as they want to be loved.

Jillian Turecki

With all my love, 

Eni 

Inspiration for the post below!